A SAD FAREWELL

 Sunday, April 7, 2024

After the terrific party on Saturday, Sunday took on a completely different tone.

We all got up and attended the church service. Silvia, Toshi, and Kim were warmly welcomed. Many of those in attendance had been at the party the day before and were still in a celebratory mood.

We returned a couple of hours later for a much more solemn occasion.

The time had come to celebrate the life of our Japanese daughter, and Toshi’s wife, Kae.

Unfortunately, some of the people who knew her were unable to attend, but quite a few of the church people and some of the folks who were part of our writing group came. (Kae and Toshi had sat in on our meetings several times when they were here visiting.) As always, the most important people were there.

Rev. Bob Schwenck facilitated the service since Pastor Leanne Strommen was out of town. This seemed appropriate since Bob not only knew Kae and Toshi from their frequent visits, but he conducted their wedding in the same church in 2003.

He threw Kim a curve ball by asking her to read the 23^rd Psalm. (He was supposed to read it, but he thought it would mean more if Kim read it. I had asked the family if they wished to speak several days earlier. Larry said he wouldn’t be able to get through it. So did Kim and Toshi.)

Kim got through it but with lots of emotion. Kae was her dear sister, and they were close.

I had known I wanted to tell everyone what Kae had meant to me and to our family. I’d spent many sleepless nights during the previous month trying to edit all the things I’d wanted to say about this precious member of our family. I finally decided just to speak spontaneously.

I told about how I had only given birth to one child but how we had acquired quite a few others through the years. The first foreign student in our home was with us that morning. Silvia had arrived the week after we moved into our new home in Dana Point in 1987. She was followed by Yuka, Yasuko, Yuko, Fumiko, Yoshiko, and another Fumiko. Our last one came in the spring of 1998. Kim hosted a student, Ikue, and her neighbors, the McKinneys, hosted another, Kae. Because they lived so close, the three girls spent a lot of time together—much of it at our house. (I always said we got three for the price of one with this group!)

My mother provided quite a bit of their transportation since Larry and I and Kim were all working at the time. She fell in love with all three of them. She couldn’t remember their Japanese names, so she referred to them by their characteristics. Ikue was “the little one” since she was short like Kim. Fumiko was “the funny one” since she had a great sense of humor and loved to laugh. Kae was “the pretty one.”

1998 California – Kae, Lorna, Ikue, Fumiko

Later that summer, we moved to Osaka, Japan to build the Universal Studios Japan theme park. During our stay, we saw all but one of “our kids.” We saw Kae and her then-boyfriend the most often as they visited us about once a month.

When we returned, Toshi worked for a company which required him to make trips to the US. Whenever he came, he tried to extend his trips to spend time with us. He sometimes brought Kae with him.

Even though they were legally married in Japan, they wanted their wedding in California. So in 2003, they were married in our church.

Wedding 2023

They continued to visit us whenever they could, and our home in Dana Point became their second home.

On our anniversary in 2010, the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. Toshi was calling from the hospital. Kae had collapsed and was not expected to survive. All we could do from the distance was promise to pray for her. And we asked the church prayer chain to join us. Despite the “less than 5% chance” her neurosurgeon gave her of surviving, she not only recovered by thrived. And she (and he) credited all the prayers for the miracle.

A couple of years later, she became a Cordon Bleu chef. The next time she visited, she prepared a beautiful four-course meal for us and our friends.

Chef Kae

In April of 2022, she was supposed to start a class toward completing her master’s degree. Instead, she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and entered the hospital.

By June, Toshi began talking about bringing her home to California one last time. However, her doctor would not clear her to fly until October. As she entered our house, she smiled at me. “Mom, I’m home.” And for her, this was the place she considered “home” more than anywhere else.

On December 20^th, Toshi texted me that she had lost consciousness. A few hours later, he called Larry. “She’s gone.”

I suggested perhaps he could bring her ashes here and spread them at Dana Point. He told me he had a note in her writing making this request.

And this was the day.

Even though Toshi had initially said he couldn’t speak, he changed his mind. His words were articulate and heartfelt as he described this beautiful soul.

Then Rev. Bob read a scripture and a poem he had written for her.

We then showed the memorial video about Kae. https://youtu.be/RJw-NYz3dBU

Following the service, we gathered at our home for a small reception. Then we proceeded to the marina to board a catamaran to take us out to sea so we could spread her ashes.

Larry had reserved the small catamaran, and fourteen of us went out beyond the breakwater just before sunset. Just as he had for my mother and my brother, Larry released her ashes into the ocean.

I had taken a basket of roses to the church for the service, and we tossed them into the water. https://youtu.be/lUBfjQ-eSYk

Larry’s brother and sister-in-love, Casey and Lucy, could not join us, but the rest of us went to dinner at the Wind and Sea in the Marina. We had kept our promise to Kae.

 

The Rest of the Week

On Monday, we spent time with all three of our kids.

Silvia, Toshi, Lorna, Larry, Kim on our front steps

We delivered Toshi to the airport for his 7:30 a.m. flight on Tuesday morning, after which, Silvia, Kim, and we went to breakfast at Mollie’s in San Juan Capistrano (Kim’s favorite breakfast pace).

Then we went down to the Outlets in San Clemente, where Kim and Silvia bought a few gifts to take home with them.

We ate an early dinner at Harpoon Henry's and then went to the point to take a photo.

Silvia, Lorna, Larry, Kim at Dana Point

Silvia was supposed to have left on Wednesday, but there was a mix-up about her flight time. She was supposed to fly to Hong Kong for a couple of days to visit a friend. However, it worked out okay since her friend was ill. Silvia’s travel agent was able to book her on a different flight leaving on Thursday afternoon.

We were able to spend a little more time with her and enjoyed it. Then, on Thursday, we drove her down to LAX with plenty of time before her flight.

Since we had all day Friday to spend with Kim, we got her a ticket to Disneyland and spent the day with her there. We all enjoyed both parks, as always.

Saturday was her day to do laundry and repack for her trip home to Texas. She had a 7:45 a.m. flight out of John Wayne, so we got her there by six. She had an uneventful trip.

The house seemed quite empty when we returned. We had thoroughly enjoyed having all three of the kids with us. After the very busy week before, we were determined to rest and relax for a couple of days.

Post Script

As Toshi requested, we made arrangements for her to have a rose bush planted in the church's memorial rose garden. We talked about getting one called Yokohama, but we discovered this Japanese hybrid can not be exported to the US. Instead, we agreed on Disneyland Floribunda since the trip to Disneyland was on her bucket list and we had made it happen for her.

Last week, the bush was planted, near the arbor where she took pictures on her last visit and right next to "Grandma" where she would have wanted to be. The marker is on order and should be in place when Toshi visits next.

Kae's rose bush

Kae will live in our hearts forever, and we will think of her each time we visit the rose garden.

BUSY DAYS

 

Tuesday, April 2, 2024

We woke early on Tuesday after not sleeping well the night before, despite being exhausted. This was our only day to finish the laundry, put the clothes away, empty the luggage and store it, straighten the house, open a week’s worth of mail, pay bills, visit the bank and post office, shop for food, and prepare for the following week.

We managed to get most everything done, but by early evening, we were worn out. To bed early.

Wednesday, April 3, 2024 – Larry’s Birthday

We would be celebrating Larry’s birthday with a party on Saturday, but his actual birthday on Wednesday was spent on trips to the airport.

Kim had not been able to visit during the holidays, so we flew her out for this occasion. She would be staying for two weeks. It sounded like a long time when we made her reservations, but we had a lot planned.

She arrived at noon at John Wayne (Orange County). Since it was lunch time, we stopped at a restaurant to eat.

We’d just placed our orders, and Kim asked, “What time will Silvia arrive?”

OOPS!

Our Spanish daughter, Silvia, was arriving in the afternoon to surprise Larry. She was our first foreign student, who had come to us right after we moved into our house in Dana Point 1987. She was fourteen years old. She arrived with a Spanish high school group, although she was actually from Tenerife in the Canary Islands. We had stayed in contact with her through snail mail, email, and Facebook.

Lorna, Silvia, Kim, Larry 1987

She had gone on to a career as a model, completed her university degree in Public Relations, was named Miss International in 1990, and worked in Spain.

A few years later, she arrived to spend the summer with us.

Lorna, Larry, Silvia in San Francisco

She had worked as an actress in Miami for a few years before the pandemic. During that time, she had talked about coming to California for a visit, but her work schedule never allowed for a trip. It had been nearly twenty years since she had last been in California. However, she had some physical problems and returned to Tenerife, just in time to be quarantined. So, she still had not returned to Miami, although she expects to do so soon.

Kim, Silvia, and I had made plans for Kim to pick her up at LAX at four o’clock in the afternoon while Larry and I would be picking up our Japanese son, Toshi, at John Wayne at three. We had intended to surprise Larry when Silvia arrived at the house.

However, the surprise came a little earlier than planned. At least, he was surprised—and delighted

Toshi’s flight from Tokyo was on time, and we collected him.

Kim and Silvia arrived a little before six. They had picked up food on their way home, so we all sat down and ate dinner together.

This was the first time Silvia and Toshi had met, and they hit it off well. (They both knew about each other, as do most of our kids.)

While we had been out, the cleaners arrived. They had finished by the time everyone arrived home.

We were all tired. Silvia and Toshi both had a bit of jetlag, and Kim had been up early to catch her plane out of Plano, TX. We were all in agreement to go to bed early. I think most of us went to sleep early, although as he usually does, Toshi remained on Japanese time in order to conduct some business meetings on Zoom while he was here. (I have no idea when—or if—he sleeps.)

Having all three of them in our house was a terrific birthday gift for Larry.

Thursday, April 4, 2024

Silvia spent the morning enjoying the rock garden. She found it a restful and peaceful place to unwind.

Silvia relaxing

Kim got up early and started the coffee, but she went back to her bedroom to rest for a while longer. Toshi slept in a bit.

Once everyone emerged, Toshi suggested brunch at Bonjour Café, one of our favorite restaurants.

Toshi, Kim, Larry, Lorna, Silvia

In the afternoon, Larry’s niece, Carrie, and her family from Utah, along with his brother and sister-in-love, and their great-granddaughter all came to visit. Shaun’s son, Tyler, arrived with them. Shaun arrived a bit later.

Carrie and Loren and their family had to be back in Utah by the weekend, so they would be unable to stay for the party. They brought pie and ice cream to celebrate Larry’s birthday. Shaun’s birthday was that day, so we celebrated his, too. Larry was delighted!

Years ago, I had given Carrie’s older son, Eli, my electronic keyboard. Last year, I sent him my melodeon. He has become quite a musician, as he demonstrated for us.

The younger son, Asher, recently has been playing his dad’s guitar.

Larry had two Ovation guitars of his own. One had not been played for years. (He doesn’t really play either of them anymore, but he has a favorite.)

He brought down the one he had stopped playing for the boys to see.

Asher opened the case, removed the guitar, and started strumming. Then he took it into another room before his brother could get it. He never came back.

I started to laugh. It clearly was meant to be his. I told his mom, “Well, Eli got the keyboard and melodeon, so it’s only fair that Asher get the guitar.”

We really enjoyed seeing all of them. Larry especially enjoyed the pie and ice cream.

During their visit, Silvia went to the backyard near the waterfall to record her Thursday podcast. She interviewed Larry and me at the end of her broadcast.

The afternoon went quickly, and we had another busy day ahead on Friday with the party on Saturday.

Silvia and Toshi left for a short while to go to the beach to see the sunset. Kim took our other car to run some errands of her own.

Silvia at the beach at sunset (San Clemente)

We all agreed on another early night, and Toshi had more meetings scheduled.

Friday, April 5, 2024

Friday was the day to get all the pieces in place for the party on Saturday.

Toshi borrowed our car to meet friends in San Diego. When he is here, he tries to get together with his So. Cal. friends. Since they planned on a late night, he said he would stay in San Diego until Saturday morning, but he promised to be back in time.

Silvia’s friend, Stephanie, came down to pick her up, and they spent the day in Los Angeles. They had a great time.

We loaded some of the party items in the car. Then we went to Costco to pick up the cakes (one chocolate, and one white) for the party and flowers for Sunday.

We enjoyed spending the day with Kim and looked forward to the Big Event the next day!

Our Children

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They came through you but not from you, and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

Kahlil Gibran The Prophet

I read this beautiful book many years ago, and its wisdom has remained powerful for me. The section on children is a reminder that our biological children are not extensions of ourselves but a gift we are given and pass on to the world. They are their own separate beings. Our task as parents is to help them become all they can be.

We had only one biological child, our daughter, Kimberly. We are proud of the beautiful human being she has become—perhaps in spite of us.

When she was growing up, we always took another child with us whenever we went somewhere so she would have company. Over the years, some of those were “added” to our family, like Donna, Erin, Savannah, and our godchild, Tracy. We are also close to our nieces and nephews. We would do anything for them.

When we moved to Dana Point nearly 35 years ago, we began to host foreign students in our home for “homestay” programs. They lived with us for between six and twelve weeks. They became our children. Most of them have returned to visit us here in California. Our Spanish daughter was Miss International. She is now an actress. Our six from Japan visited us during the time we lived there. We visited them, too.

Dad, Ikue, Fumiko, Yasuko with Daisuke, Kim, Vera (my mother), Mom, Kae, Yuko

Yasuko had a small child when we arrived. During our time there, she and her husband had a second. These are our only grandchildren. Make no mistake, they are ours.

Through church friends, we learned about Music Mission Kiev (Kyiev). They used to tour the US every other year, and the orchestra and choir members were housed in private homes. We hosted musicians for five of those tours. The last ones were young singers with the opera chorus. We have remained in contact with several of these musicians. When the attacks began on Ukraine, we immediately thought or our friends there. And we began to pray. Our prayers continue.

Last December, good friends in Texas hosted a Ukrainian orphan in their home for several weeks—including through Christmas. While she was there, our friend posted almost daily about the experience. They loved being able to give this precious little girl a real family and a special holiday to remember.

This morning, the “dad” posted this picture along with the final photo taken of him and her before they put her on the plane

“This was the last thing I used the translator for when I was taking our sweet girl to the airport to go back to Ukraine in January. She begged to not go back not even knowing this war was around the corner. Pretty heartbreaking to have a child who calls you dad living in a war zone and there is nothing you can do to change it…”

He gave me permission to use the photo of the two of them, but in order to protect their privacy, I have chosen not to. However, their looks gave little doubt about their mutual love for each other.

These images broke my heart. This little girl is truly their child, just as our “kids” are truly ours.

Our Japanese son arrived yesterday, and we are delighted to have him.

Do you have any children who are not related by blood but who are our hearts’ children?

Holiday Traditions

Most families have holiday traditions. Often these have been passed down from generation to generation. We are no exception.

In our family, one special tradition began several years ago when decorating the tree became a chore. When Kim was little, I looked forward to doing it. I have hundreds of ornaments, and each one has a story. We have no plain or generic decorations. Each one represents memories.

For many years, our daughter invited a friend or two to help put them on the tree. We had hot chocolate and cookies as a reward. Of course, the best part was spending time with Kim and her friends.

Even when we moved here to Dana Point, Kim still came over to help. But when she moved to Texas fourteen years ago, it became more and more daunting.

For a few years, I hired our friend’s teenage kids to help, but they grew up and had lives of their own.

Enter our neighbors and their kids. Their property adjoined ours in the back yard. We first met them when their little boy—aged six—broke our window. Before long, we fell in love with the whole family. Since we have no grandchildren, we became surrogate grandparents—even though they have four wonderful grandparents already.

About eight years ago, I asked their mother if I could “rent” the kids (at the time there were five) to help decorate our tree. They were excited to do it. The first year, I learned to put the most fragile ones on the tree before they arrived. I wasn’t as concerned about broken decorations (things are to use and enjoy) as I was about one of them being hurt.

Now there are six of them, and yesterday, the tradition continued. Their mother brought all but one, who had a game, and they swarmed in to finish the job for us.

I took me two days to put on about a third of the ornaments. They put on the rest in less than an hour. Thank goodness.

Over the years, I have given them some of my ornaments each year. Now all the duplicates are gone as well as the ones without an emotional attachment. I have also given them most of my Christmas books. Several of them went again this year, including a new copy of my favorite, The Best Christmas Pageant Ever.

Another part of the tradition is cookies. Ahead of time I bake several batches of cut sugar cookies. Once the tree is completed, the kids sit down and decorate them.

I put out icing and sprinkles and turn them loose. This year, Larry found eyeballs, and he couldn’t resist. The kids loved them! The youngest child decided to make “monsters” with multiple eyeballs.

Once they have decorated all of the cookies, each one chooses their three favorites to take home. (Of course, they eat few along the way.)

Before they leave, they always have to climb the back stairs and play in the back yard. They have now moved away, so one of their “jobs” is to check out their yard to see what has changed. (The family still owns the house.)

I know that some day in the not-too-distant future, they won’t want to come and do this every year. The oldest will graduate from high school in June, and the rest will follow behind.

But for Christmas 2019, we have a beautiful tree and cookies to serve during the holidays—along with the story of how they were decorated.

What special holiday traditions does your family observe?