Attending the Funeral

Many years ago Larry heard an opinion piece on NPR entitled, “Always Go to the Funeral.” (https://www.npr.org/2005/08/08/4785079/always-go-to-the-funeral) I have always believed in doing this, and yesterday, we did so once again.

GABRIEL RODRIGUEZ

We worked with Gabriel Rodriguez in Japan on the Universal Studios Japan project in Osaka, where Gabe was a Facilities Design Manager.

His background was as an architect. The photo below was taken by Dave “Bowtie” Frolich. During the project, he photographed all of the project team—American and Japanese—and “wallpapered” his office with them.

After USJ, Gabe went on to other projects in the entertainment industry—often in interesting foreign locations. Gabe loved to travel, enjoyed the challenges, and did a great job.

He was a favorite on the team. Men are rarely described as “sweet,” but Gabe was. He had a wonderful sense of humor and made lots of friends. He passed away suddenly at his sister’s home. Several of us from the USJ team attended his funeral yesterday—a fitting tribute to the special man he was.

ROY FORSYTH

We heard about another recent death. In the late 1970s and early 1980s, we worked at CF Baun & Co, an engineering firm in Alhambra, California. I was in the Power division, working on six nuclear power plants in Tennessee. Larry was on loan to the Power Division in Electrical Engineering, where he worked for Bill Forsyth. Bill’s son. Roy, worked in my area.

His best friend, John Osborne, was in the Electrical Section. The two of them were so much fun. The photos above were from Roy’s birthday party in 1979 at a local park.

A few years later, John moved to Tennessee to work at the jobsite. However, the job was halted, and he returned to California, where he went to work for Larry on his project. Shortly thereafter, this project was also cancelled. Not long thereafter, John didn’t arrive at work. Roy went to check on him and discovered he had passed away. John was thirty-five years old.

Not long afterward, Roy Married Terrie, who worked for me. (This is a fairly recent photo.)  Larry and I attended their wedding.

A few weeks ago, Roy died suddenly. He and Terrie lived in Las Vegas, and we haven’t heard about a funeral, but it would probably be too far to attend. If they were closer and scheduled a service, we’d be sure to go. Again, we were stunned at this sudden loss.

TRACY LENERT

I worked with Tracy at Downey Savings. She was in Lending, so we didn’t work together directly. However, we ran into each other from time to time. Over the seven years I spent at Downey, I got to know her a bit.

Around the same time as we heard about Roy, we also heard about Tracy’s death. She was much younger, and word of her death came as a shock. She requested no service, so we won’t attend, but we would have if we could have.

Do you always make it a point to attend funerals? Why or why not?

Peace of Mind

We recently met with our estate attorney to update our trust. We try to do this every few years to be sure everything is current. We discovered several areas we needed to update.

We’ve had our trust for over twenty years. The attorney did a presentation at our church about estate planning, and we decided to take advantage of the opportunity to codify our wishes. I’m glad we did.

At the same time, my mother prepared one of her own. My stepfather had died shortly before, and Mom had a little money for the first—and only time in her life. We knew it wouldn’t last long, but this seemed important to her.

On the day we picked up our paperwork, as we left the office, Mom started to cry. I was afraid she was sad about contemplating her demise. When I asked her about it, she said, “I’m just so happy to have this done. I’ve been worried about it, and now it’s taken care of.”

We had no idea she had been concerned about making sure her wishes were recorded, but her obvious relief made the exercise more than worthwhile.

At the time, we had no idea how important this would be to us. At the same time the trusts were prepared, so were our powers-of-attorney for medical and financial. As Mom grew more and more senile, we had to make many decisions on her behalf. The powers-of-attorney provided for our legal rights as well as hers. We had peace of mind because we knew we were doing what she wanted and had the legal permission to do so.

Another source of comfort for us was having her final wishes designated.

Years ago, one of Larry’s Boy Scout leaders died. His wife shared with us the preparations he’d made. She said he researched all the options and contacted the Los Angeles Funeral Society. When he died, his son called the number on the card he carried in his wallet, and they took care of all of the details.

This happened shortly after the publication of Ruth Harmer’s book, The High Cost of Dying. (Larry had her as his English instructor at Cal Poly, Pomoma.)

The book exposed how mortuaries and funeral homes exploited grieving families by using guilt to convince them to spend more than they needed to.

We decided to contact the Los Angeles Funeral Society. We received several forms where we could designate our preferences (no embalming and immediate cremation among them). For a small lifetime fee, they would keep our records on file and guarantee the lowest prices.

When we moved to Dana Point, we transferred our membership to Tri Counties Funeral Society.

Mom first moved in with us a couple of years later. She had a plot reserved for her next to her ex-husband. After a short time, she announced she’d changed her mind about being buried. “I want to be cremated and have my ashes spread off Dana Point. It’s my favorite place, and I want to be with you.” (Our instructions are to have our ashes spread in the ocean off Dana Point.)

She joined the funeral society and filed her directions. The morning she died, I asked the nursing home if they needed us to come down. “No, we have her direction on file. We’ve already called he mortuary. You can come later in the day to pick up her personal effects.”

A couple of weeks later, the mortuary called us to collect her ashes. While we were there, we prepaid for our own services. Now our daughter won’t have to make any decisions on our behalf, and everything will be pre-paid.

No one wants to contemplate making these kinds of decisions, but I can assure you, the peace of mind having these directions taken care of ahead of time while we were not under pressure made taking care of my mother’s death much easier. She had years of her own peace of mind as well.