How do you summarize a friendship of over fifty years? I have been wrestling with this for a couple of weeks. I still can’t figure it out, so I’ll start at the beginning.
We met Bernie when my mother-in-love bribed us to attending
church with her. We had stopped going to church several years before. We had lived
out of the state, and when we returned, our previous church was gone.
In the interim, Larry’s folks had purchased a mobile home in
Dana Point. When we came back to California, we began to spend all our weekends
there with them.
Mother’s birthday was May 6. A week or so before, she
announced, ”All I want for my birthday and Mother’s Day is for my family to go
to church with me.” So, we went.
That first week, we discovered that the pastor was a surfer.
It was enough to get Larry to go back. The next time we went, the pastor’s wife
greeted us by name! I later discovered she’d had the ability to really see and
remember people from the time she was young. She never forgot a name. This was
Bernie.
She was far from the stereotypical pastor’s wife. She didn’t
play the piano or teach Sunday school classes. She sang in the choir, participated
in Bible studies, and took part in women’s activities. She attended all the
women’s retreats and contributed wisdom to all of them.
She didn’t look like a stereotypical pastor’s wife, either. Her
long hair hung to her waist. She wore short skirts and knee boots—or whatever
was comfortable. Since this was a “beach church,” people accepted her as she was,
and she did the same. She always seemed to see the best in people.
The door to their house was never locked. Their friends and their
children’s friends knew they could walk in at any time—and they did. Bernie’s
only request was that if folks showed up and she was busy, they could either
talk to her while she continued or they could help. And if she was watching a
sporting event, guests were expected to join her. (They could cheer for the
opposition, but she would cheer louder for UCLA or the Dodgers. And she would
yell at the referees if she thought they made a bad call.)
Bernie had worked as a PE teacher and coached the
cheerleading squad in New Jersey while Bob was attending Princeton Seminary.
She had a real passion for sports, having been a cheerleader in high school and
college. She never missed a game or sporting event for either of her children
or her grandchildren.
Larry and Bob and our friend Diana Gardner (nicknamed “Gidget”)
formed the Community Presbyterian Surf Team. They had great times surfing
together, and Bob became Larry’s best friend.
After the Schwencks’ first trip to Hawaii, they became as
hooked on the islands as we were. By this time, we had gone quite a few times
and had visited all the islands (except Niihau). The four of us began to vacation
together. In time, we traveled all over the world, and we always enjoyed spending
time together.
We usually followed the same pattern. We would start
planning a trip several months in advance when we discussed the details. Since
I am somewhat of a control freak (an understatement), I usually made the
arrangements for flights and hotels, etc. (unless they had miles or credit they
could use to book their own). In our first meeting, however, each of us chose one
thing to do on the upcoming trip. I usually selected something adventurous,
like taking the helicopter flight over Kauai or visiting the leper colony on
Molokai. Larry’s choice always involved surfing. Bob usually picked something
fun, like bike riding down Mt. Haleakala on Maui. Bernie, however, always
wanted to do the same thing: paddling the outriggers on Waikiki. She said, “This
is the only place on earth where you can do this.” And she loved it.
We all liked “funky” places to stay, and we always tried to
save money. However, we found some incredible places where we returned on
future trips. Fortunately, we had quite a few friends who lived in the islands,
so when we were there, we tried to visit them. I have terrific memories of
special adventures with dear friends.
Bernie always went along with whatever craziness I planned.
She’d say, “I just want to go along and have fun.” The only other thing she
wanted to do in Hawaii was spend time sunning on the beach. Because I am far
too fair to spend much time in the sun, I either went shopping, or swam laps in
the hotel pool, or read a book.
On one memorable trip in 1990, we were joined by our friends Don and
Karen Seapy. Don always said it was his very favorite vacation. The highlight
was the glider flight over Dillingham Airfield.
When Bob did an exchange pulpit in Scotland, we stayed with
him and Bernie and spent several days with them before we visited with my
family and did a bit of sightseeing. When he did the same thing in New Zealand,
we went to visit before exploring the country on our own. In both places, we
met lovely people from his guest congregations, some of whom we are still in
touch with.
We also traveled to places in the US together, and many of
those trips resulted in great memories—like the Rainbow Motel, the very worst
place we ever stayed. (Bob picked it.) Even the not-so-great experiences became
shared legends and the sources of much laughter.
We visited Italy, Ireland, Australia, France, and other spots
in the world with them. We never failed to enjoy our travels.
Through the years, Bernie and I cried together and laughed
together and shared lots of love. We lost friends and loved ones and grieved
together. We comforted each other and knew we could count on each other.
But, who do I count on now?
Bernie passed away on May 23 after a battle with Parkinson’s
and a couple of strokes. It’s hard to believe that her vibrant spirit and contagious
laugh and smile won’t be there for us anymore. There are so many things I will
miss: hugs, and wisdom, shared silences and shared laughs, moments when no
words are necessary, and moments of understanding.
I visited with her each of the three days before she passed
and was able to tell her it was okay to let go. I assured her that Larry and I would
be there for Bob and her family, and they would be okay because she helped to
make them the strong, loving people they are. I prayed with her and told her I
loved her. I assured her that I was certain her daughter Erin would be waiting
along with her mother and other friends and family. And I assured her God would
greet her with: “Well done, good and faithful servant.” I truly believe this.
But my dear friend left a huge hole in my life and that of the
others who loved her.
After she passed, I did what I do. I helped Bob write her
obituary and then created her obituary website: bit.ly/459dNMl
I also spoke at her memorial service and created the video: https://youtu.be/cSJoF6a4nfM
But these small things just can’t begin to capture who she
was and what she meant to me and to those who loved her. I shall miss her for
the rest of my life.
