Another Loss…

 Losing those we love is always hard. We all expect our parents to die someday. If we are married, we assume one or the other of us will go first. And if we are blessed to live long enough, we will begin to lose close friends. However, what we do not expect is for young people to die suddenly.

I am currently helping to facilitate a GriefShare group , and several of the people in that group have lost children. I know I will never understand just how they feel, but I can’t imagine anything more wrenching.

About an hour after I returned home last Thursday, while scrolling through Facebook, a photo of a dear young lady we loved appeared. When I read the caption, I began to sob. Larry was sitting next to me and asked what was wrong. I was crying so hard I could hardly answer him. I managed to get out, “Brooke died.”

His answer was to be expected: “Huh?”

“Brooke died.”

This time, what I’d said finally registered, and I watched the pain on his face.

I cried for several hours…

~~~

Brooke’s mother, Arleen, was one of our daughter Kim’s best friends in high school. She spent hours with us, and Kim spent time at her house. As with many of Kim’s friends, we stayed in touch with Arleen through marriages, divorces and kids, mostly through email and then later through Facebook.

She finally met Jim, and her life became more stable. They had a daughter, Brooke.

Kim worked at Disneyland for several years, and Arleen and Brooke had passes. When she could, Kim met them there, and they enjoyed the park together.

I remember her telling us that Brooke’s favorite ride was The Haunted Mansion Holiday. Even though she was little, Brooke was never afraid. She loved Jack Skellington.

A few years ago, Arleen called us. She had a favor to ask. Brooke was enrolled in IPoly High School, located on the campus of Cal Poly, Pomona. Only the top students qualified, and Brooke was a terrific student. This program combined the usual high school curriculum along with college-level classes and self-directed learning.

Arleen explained that for her senior project, Brooke had to select a career she might be interested in pursuing and then find a mentor to work with her through the school year. The commitment was for fifty in-person hours plus emails and phone calls throughout the year. Arleen knew we were authors and that I was editing. Brooke decided she wanted to find out about this career, and Arleen asked if we would be willing to work with her. We did not hesitate to answer, “Yes!”

So, during the next eight months, her folks drove her down to our home in Dana Point from their home in San Gabriel Valley every few weeks so we could spend two or three hours with her while they went to the beach. (Fortunately, they both love the beach!)

Arleen, Brooke and Jim

We started with the basics: story structure, character development, world building, etc. We have an extensive collection of books on writing, and every time Brooke came, she went home with two or three. The next time, our visit started with a discussion of what she had learned from the books.

In October, I suggested she take part in NaNoWriMo: National Novel Writing Month. Participants commit to writing every day, completing a book within the month. I told her if she finished, we could edit it together and publish it. She was excited at the prospect.

Larry is a plotter, so he and Brooke discussed creating an outline ahead of time so she would know what her story was about and where it was going. (I, on the other hand, am a “pantser.” I write by the seat of my pants and let the story evolve through my characters.)

She started out enthusiastically, but about halfway through, she lost interest. She completed the book, but she said when she finished, she didn’t like it and didn’t want to publish it. We agreed the experience was still a good exercise.

I gave her a couple of chapters of a book I had edited and asked her to take a shot at it for practice. She brought it back, and we compared her notes with mine. She did a great job with it.

Larry completed his sci-fi book, The McGregor Chronicles: Book 3 - Alien Invasion, while we were working with Brooke and invited her to be a beta reader. She gave him several suggestions, which he included. And she is mentioned in the Acknowledgements. Her review is quoted in the Readers’ Comments section of the book.

Periodically, we had to log into her school portal to record the number of hours we’d spent and answer a few questions about what we had done. She did the same.

During one of our last sessions, she sat with me as I uploaded a manuscript I had edited and formatted for an older gentleman. I’d asked if I could call him during the process so I could explain what I was doing, and I asked his permission for Brooke to look on in real time so she could see the actual steps. As a former teacher, he was delighted to have her. She watched and asked questions of me and the author. It felt like it was the most valuable time we spent with her.

She had to produce a final project and chose to do an interactive PowerPoint for her class about what she had learned. She sent it to us ahead of her presentation, and we were impressed with her work. So was her teacher. I think she got an A+ grade on it.

Of course, we attended her graduation and cheered loudly along with her large family when she walked across the stage.

High School Graduation

She decided to take a gap year before starting college. During that year, the family moved from California to Florida.

She did return to college, where she graduated with honors and immediately started on her Masters degree. We expected to hear great things from her.

She was one class short of completing her degree when her mother found her in her bed last Thursday morning…

~~~

We are still processing the news, but we are also very grateful to have had Brooke in our lives. We came to love her very much. We have no grandchildren, but Brooke became like a grandchild.

Thank you, Brooke, for the sunshine and joy you gave to this world.

 

Thanks to her sister, Amber, and her godmother, Chris, for the photos.

This is a link to her obituary. https://www.dignitymemorial.com/obituaries/boca-raton-fl/brooke-bailey-12379068

My Maternal Cousins

 

Karen, David, Kathy, Eileen, Lorna, Ron

My maternal cousins and I grew up together. We all lived fairly close, so we saw a lot of each other. Aunt Muriel and Uncle Gordon (David and Eileen’s parents) lived in El Sereno. Aunt Evie and Uncle Frank (Karen and Kathy’s folks) lived in Monterey Park. We lived in Alhambra. We were within five miles of each other.

We spent all of the major holidays together. Mom hosted Easter, Aunt Muriel had Thanksgiving, Grandma had Christmas, and Aunt Evie and Uncle Frank had New Year’s Eve. Known as “Hogmanay” in Scotland, New Year’s Eve was a very big celebration. (My grandparents were both born and raised in that country.)

David was the oldest. I was next and fourteen months younger. Three years later, all the “littles” were born. My brother, Ron came along in May, Eileen arrived in August, and the twins were born in December.

Aunt Evie and Uncle Frank put in a swimming pool, and we spent a great deal of time during the summer at their house. Lots of happy memories were made there!

We all knew each other’s neighbors because we played with them. Many years later, a couple came to our church. I recognized her as the little girl who had lived across the street from my cousins, Eileen and David. They had a large family, and we had played at their house often.

I babysat for my aunt’s neighbors and knew them and their kids very well. When I was in my twenties, I went to work for an income tax preparer. I ended up working for my aunt Evie’s best friend. I had taken care of her kids. She and I also became good friends over the next few years.

When I was in my early teens, Aunt Evie and Uncle Frank moved north to San Mateo in the Bay Area for work. The first Thanksgiving holiday after they moved, Eileen and I took the train to visit them. She enjoyed playing with the twins, and I got to spend time with Aunt Evie.

We still got together fairly often. In high school, I dated one of David’s friends, and he dated some of mine. We practiced dancing together to all the latest music. He embarrassed me by screening my boyfriends!

After Aunt Evie and Uncle Frank moved away, Aunt Muriel and Uncle Gordon hosted the Hogmanay party as well as Thanksgiving. Aunt Evie and Uncle Frank sometimes came down for the holidays.

Eventually, I married, and David went into the Air Force. Then he moved back to the East Coast where he married. We all loved his wife. They later moved back to California where we got together with them once in a while.

Life moved on, and we all became busy with our own families. Larry and I visited Aunt Evie and Uncle Frank a couple of times a year. We saw Karen and Kathy while we were there.

The last time we were all together was at our 50^th wedding anniversary party in 2015.

Karen, Kathy, Lorna, Ron, Eileen, David

Ron passed away five years later.

This past weekend we celebrated the life of Aunt Evie, who died at 101 years old. She’d had a long and happy life, so we all wanted to be there to celebrate her. The remaining cousins all came.

Kathy, David, Lorna, Eileen, Karen

I still love my cousins and am grateful for all the wonderful memories we share.

Remembering Aunt Evie

 

Aunt Evie was my favorite relative on my mother’s side of the family. She was young and fun, and I loved her dearly.

Born Evelyn Ella Higginson Methven on August 28, 1923, she was the youngest of three girls. Aunt Muriel and my mother, Vera, were raised as good Victorian children—seen, but not heard. Evelyn was seven years younger than Muriel and six years younger than my mother. She belonged to a different generation.

Mom said they all spoiled her. She and Muriel treated her like their very own living baby doll. And she was “cute as a button.” She had a heart-shaped face and big eyes, and charmed everyone.

She was also an independent spirit. She took part in sports and had lots of friends.

When she was about five, the family moved from their home in East Los Angeles to a new house in West Hollywood, then a part of Beverly Hills. At the time, many young people who would later become film and TV stars also lived nearby, and Evelyn new quite a few of them.

Down the street lived the George family. One member of the family was of particular interest to Evelyn: Frank, the third of four sons. They dated throughout high school. Grandma always said she didn’t need to guess where Evelyn was. All she had to do was look down the street. Usually, Evelyn was draped over the front fender of a car looking down into the engine compartment while Frank was working underneath. He was crazy about cars. And they loved to dance!

Mom described how they would come home from a dance and Evelyn’s chin was raw from rubbing on Frank’s suit jacket. They danced the jitterbug and all the other popular dances of the day. He lifted her up and flipped her over his shoulder and then pulled her through his legs.

They were engaged the evening of my mother and father’s wedding on October 27, 1942. Frank and Dad were both in the Army at the time.

They were married on August 15, 1943.

She moved with Frank to Washington, DC, where his job was teaching pilots to fly, using the LINC simulator. Following his time in the service, they moved back to West Hollywood, and Frank opened his own garage. It was a lot of responsibility, but he loved working on cars, and did so for the rest of his life.

On December 1, 1949, Evelyn gave birth to twins: Karen Ann and Kathy Lee. By this time, they were living in the “little house,” an ADU behind my grandparents’ home. My family had lived there until I was two years old. By this time, Grandpa had died, so Grandma liked having Frank and Evie nearby.

Evelyn really appreciated the help with the twins as they had many allergies, both of them to different things. Karen was allergic to cow’s milk and had to drink goats’ milk. Not easy to find in those post-war days.

This was also the era when babies were put on feeding schedules. However, the twins were on different schedules: one was every three hours and the other was every four hours. Evelyn was exhausted!

Frank was working very long hours in his business, so they weren’t able to spend much time together. They met with their pastor for counseling, and he suggested they plan a “date night” once a week where they could spend some time away from the children and reconnect. Friday nights became their special time, and they continued this practice for many years.

After my father died, when I was seven, my mother was determined to raise us by herself with no help from anyone. This included family. (My mother had an over-developed sense of pride.)

Evelyn and Frank did what they could to give my brother and me special attention Uncle Frank attended Indian Guide meetings with my brother, and Aunt Evie spent time with me.

Christmas was a challenge. The three sisters agreed to give small gifts only to the kids and to their mother. They set a limit. I think it was about two dollars each at the beginning for our gifts. Later, it may have gone to five. In those days, it was possible to buy toys for that amount.

When I was about ten, we arrived at Grandma’s for Christmas Day. My eye was immediately attracted to a HUGE package. When I checked the tag, it had MY name on it! It was about 3 feet wide, two feet high, and two inches deep. I couldn’t wait until after dinner when we could finally open our gifts!

Inside was a Betty Crocker Junior Baking kit! It held miniature cake pans, cookie cutters, a mixing bowl, spoon, measuring spoons, cookie sheet, plus several mixes for cookies, cakes, and icing. I heard my mother scold Evelyn about exceeding the limit, and my aunt told her she had found it on sale. I knew it was a lie, and so did Mom, but there was nothing she could do about it.

I felt so loved, not because of the size of the gift or because Aunt Evie had dared to stand up to my mother, but more because she understood who I was and knew this would be the perfect gift for me. I baked all the mixes, but I kept the cooking items and used them for years. I still had them when I my own daughter was born, and she and I played with them. I think she may still have them!

In the early 1950s, Evelyn and Frank moved to a new house in Monterey Park, California, just a couple of miles from our house in Alhambra. We spent a lot of time with them—especially after they put in a swimming pool.

When I was about twelve, I began babysitting for Aunt Evie and Uncle Frank. Because I knew so many of their neighbors, I also babysat for their kids.

Eventually, Evie and Frank hired me to sit with the girls for their Friday night “date nights.” Even then, I recognized this as a way to give me a little extra spending money, which my mother could not object to.

Aunt Evie picked me up on Friday afternoon and took me to their house, where she had already prepared dinner for the girls and me. After they left, I fed the girls, and they watched TV until their bedtime, while I cleaned up the kitchen. Then I oversaw their baths and got them into bed.

Then, I had the TV to myself and could watch my favorite TV shows: 77 Sunset Strip and Hawaiian Eye. At home, I rarely got to choose what I wanted to watch, so this was a real treat!

Then, I locked up the house and went to bed in their guest room.

In the morning, Uncle Frank fixed breakfast, usually pancakes. (They were his specialty.) From Aunt Evie, I learned to love them with plain yogurt and fresh fruit. This is still my favorite way to eat them.

It was about this time that my relationship with Aunt Evie changed from aunt and niece to friends. I used to tease her that she was my favorite playmate!

Uncle Frank’s job took him to San Mateo, so they moved there in the early ‘60s. The first Thanksgiving break following their move, my cousin, Eileen and I took the train up to visit them.

Aunt Evie was a phenomenal seamstress. She made all her own clothes and for years, she made all of the girls’ as well. On this particular trip, I took fabric and patterns to make Mom and me dresses. Aunt Evie taught me how to make self-belts, and how to put in invisible zippers. These were two dresses Mom and I both wore until they fell apart, and we loved them.

After Larry and I were married, we went to visit them once or twice each year. Larry was an engineer and was genuinely interested in the details of Frank’s work. He would listen to Frank’s stories and ask appropriate questions. They got along very well. Evie and I frequently left them and went shopping.

Before we arrived, Aunt Evie would find fun, new places to visit with us. We also had some we all enjoyed and visited each trip. Spenger's Fresh Fish Grotto in Berkeley was a favorite as was the Alta Mira Hotel in Sausalito for brunch. We especially loved Allied Arts Guild in Menlo Park. They had a wonderful restaurant and lots of little shops. I often bought Christmas gifts there. When Evie was a docent at Filoli, we visited several times. Once she gave us a behind-the-scenes private tour.

We also went into the city (San Francisco) to sightsee, shop, and play. We spent time at Pier 39 and Ghiradelli Square, and Evie often found fun new places to shop for bargains.

In 2011, Aunt Evie had a stroke. A couple of months later, we went to see her. I was amazed at how she managed. She had gotten along well with her physical therapy. The only real aftereffect of the stroke was her issue with speech. She was sharp as ever and knew what she wanted to say, but she got frustrated at not being able to get the words out.

Their daughter, Karen, was concerned about her folks living in their big house with many steps as they got older and began to have some physical challenges She decided to ask them to move in with her so she could care for them. Before this could happen, however, Uncle Frank was hospitalized. He passed away on January 4, 2017. They had been married for 73 years.

Since the moving plans were already in place, Evelyn moved into Karen’s house. The twins cleaned out the family home (a daunting task!) and rented it. Evelyn and Frank had purchased two other homes when they first moved to the Bay Area, and those provided rental income for their retirement.

A couple of years later, Karen’s daughter and son-in-law moved to Reno. Property was reasonable, so Karen sold her home in California and moved to Reno, Nevada. Kathy was still working and living in California, but she planned to follow her sister when she and her husband retired. They visited often.

In 2023, Aunt Evie turned 100 years old. Karen and Kathy threw her a great party to celebrate. Most of the family attended, as well as many of her friends from California. She had a wonderful time and even got out on the dance floor.

Kathy and her husband, Jay, moved to the Reno area not long afterward, so she was able to spend more time with her mother.

On November 5, 2024, Aunt Evie died after a short hospitalization.

I am very grateful to Karen for her dedication and care during Aunt Evie’s last few years. She was able to provide her a marvelous quality of life, and Aunt Evie truly enjoyed herself.

We were able to see her in June of 2024, and spent a couple of days with her. We shared memories of her early life, and she laughed and we shared pictures. I loved her for my entire life, and I am grateful for all the wonderful cherish memories of her.

Here is the link to a video I put together in her memory: https://youtu.be/FFcOc25IDvg

My Friend, Luanna Rugh

 

I first met Luanna when she and her family started attending our church in the early ‘80s. She was very shy, and I didn’t get to know her very well at first.

Her husband, Len, was outgoing and friendly, and so was her daughter, Sandra. Lu’s parents also attended the church, and I got to know them, too. Her dad was sweet and quiet—a real gentleman. And her mom was creative. She made beautiful decorations from shells. I have a magnet on my refrigerator she made as well as an ornament on my Christmas tree.

Len was severely wounded in Vietnam, but I learned quickly enough not to call him “handicapped”! Even though he was missing a large part of his brain and was completely paralyzed on his left side, he believed he could do anything. And the longer I was around him, the more I believed it, too.

After a while, we got to know both of them better. I discovered that Lu had a wicked sense of humor. She might have been shy, but when she opened up, her true personality came forth—sometimes with a vengeance. It took several years, however, before she became comfortable enough around me to let it show. I discovered we both loved irreverence, and she always made me laugh.

From the time Len was wounded in 1969, her goal in life became to encourage him to be everything he could be. He was labeled “unretrainable.” She talked him into attending Saddleback College. He eventually graduated from Cal State Fullerton with a degree in Political Science, even though everyone said it was impossible.

Lu and Len loved to travel. After Sandra left home, they bought a 5^th wheel and drove all over the US—including Alaska. Lu did all the driving. They spent time in Hawaii, too, which they both loved. They often stayed in the military hotel in Honolulu and bought timeshares on Maui, which they shared with Sandra and her husband, Steve.

While attending Saddleback, Len began to write a book about his experience in Vietnam. He worked on it for twenty years before he felt it was completed. By this time, Larry and I had joined the same critique group he belonged to (Lagunita Writers). One of our members told Len the book wasn’t finished yet. He’d written all about his experiences in Vietnam, but he hadn’t explained how he had been able to learn to walk and talk and do all the amazing things he’d accomplished. So, after twenty years of working by himself, he invited Lu to help him tell the second part of his story.

When they finally finished, the book was over 1300 pages! His good friend, Larry, told him, “Len, you’ve written the complete book for your family, but now you have to cut it down enough so it will sell.”

Len understood. So, for the next two years, we met with them every Wednesday night, usually at our house. One of us took care of dinner, and then we spent a couple of hours working at the computer cutting the size of the book. We went through it three times, line-by-line, word-by-word, until it was at its final length of 440 pages.

It was published in 2009 as Promises Kept; How One Couple’s Love Survived Vietnam.

Although Lu had written half of the second part of the book, she still told everyone, “I was a biology major. I’m not a writer.” Promises Kept won the 2010 EPIC Award for Nonfiction. It has become hugely popular with veterans’ groups.

While they were working on their book, I started a project with three other friends. It was an anthology about four sisters with a common through-story. However, one of the participants had to drop out because of health issues. We could have made it about three sisters, but the overall outline was for four.

I mentioned it at one of our weekly meetings. The following week, we went down to see Lu and Len at Camp Pendleton where they were spending a week camping. She asked me about the project, and I explained it to her. She asked if she could take part. By the time we left that day, she had outlined her character and the story she wanted to tell.

She was the first one finished with her novella! And hers became my favorite story in the book. Snowflake Secrets was published in 2008, before Len & Lu’s book. From then on, I told her she could no longer say she wasn’t a writer!

This was the first of six anthologies, all set in our fictional town of Aspen Grove Colorado, and Luanna was part of all of them. Seasons of Love came next, followed by Directions of Love, An Aspen Grove Christmas, The Art of Love and …And a Silver Sixpence in Her Shoe. Snowflake Secrets was a 2009 finalist for the Edward Hoffer Award, finalist for the 2008 Dream Realm Award, and a 2009 EPPIE award. Directions of Love won the 2011 EPIC ebook Award for best anthology.

  

 

 

 

I must have finally convinced her that she WAS a writer because she eventually published two more stand-alone novels: Love From the Sea was published in 2016, and Up in Flames published in 2020.

     

 

One thing we shared  in common was a love for everything Disney. We had annual passes, and they got military passes each year. We went with them often. Each time we passed the wheelchair rental, we’d suggest Len rent one.  “Heck no. Those are for people who need them.” Despite his total paralysis, he had learned to walk with a full leg brace (hip to ankle) on his left leg. His left hand was in a sling. He balanced by carrying a cane in his right hand. He’d learned to swing the brace while balancing on his good leg. He couldn’t drive, but he took the bus everywhere. Most of the drivers in Orange County knew him. When we were eating with them in a restaurant, someone would approach and greet him—often a bus driver.

He took part in classes to train physical therapists on how to work with people with his level of paralysis. He called them his “physical torture” classes. But he was proud to have been able to help train others to help people like himself.

He also took part in The Vietnam Head Injury Study. Every few years, he flew back to Washington D.C. for a week of tests and interviews. In later years, Lu went with him. They never could explain how he was able to accomplish so much with as severe an injury as he had sustained. Of course, the real secret was Lu. She knew when to push and when to step back. He never wanted sympathy or help when he didn’t need it, and those of us who spent time with him learned this quickly.

For years, the four of us ate brunch together after church on Sundays. During his last couple of years, Len was in and out of the hospital and rehab. Covid made everything much worse as he was often in quarantine. Lu was at loose ends without him to care for.

He was moved to a nursing home at some distance from their home, and she drove to see him several times a week. After Len died in 2022, Luanna lost much of her interest in life, and we saw her fading. Her memory began to fail, and her zest for life ebbed.

Finally, Sandra moved her into a lovely assisted living facility. She did better there, but she eventually started falling and forgot to take her medications. After yet another stay in the hospital, she was in terrible shape. Once again, Covid quarantines kept us from visiting. When we finally saw her, I was shocked. She could barely communicate, and she looked terrible. I called Sandra about our concerns. She said she couldn’t get any information from the facility and was very frustrated since she lived in Minnesota and Lu was in California.

Shortly thereafter, she moved Lu back to a facility a few minutes from her home. I couldn’t believe the change the next time I spoke with Lu. She was back to her old self! The caregivers at her new place monitored her medications and kept a close eye on her. And she flourished.

She made friends, played Bingo, watched movies, and cheered for the Vikings.

She was terrific for nearly a year. But then, she developed a UTI and was hospitalized. When she finally was well enough to return to her facility, her mental state had reverted to where it was when she left California. And she refused to eat. Being a type-2 diabetic, this contributed greatly to her downhill slide. She was put on hospice for a few days and just seemed to fade away.

I am convinced she is now with her beloved Len, where she has longed to be ever since he died. And I’m sure she is making jokes and laughing. At least, that is how I will remember her.